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Lakisha3
Joined: 24 Nov 2007
Posts: 6
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 Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:08 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| Both girls received the same amount of money from parents. Younger daughter planned entire wedding and honeymoon with it and has her future MIL and me helping all the way. It's at a B&B that supplies everything (decorations, food, cakes, etc.) It's out of state, about a 2 hour drive away. They are having it at 2:00 p.m. so people have time to drive home. The older daughter is getting married in NYC and is having a 6 figure wedding, professional everything (they are paying the difference). I've been up two times to shop, look around, etc., but that's clear across the country and I just can't pop in every weekend. She's upset that a lot of her family and friends can't come because they can't afford it. I tried to talk her into having a reception in her home state later, but she says this is what they want. She thinks we are ignoring hers and going overboard for her sister. I don't understand why she is being so "showy" but haven't said anything, and never will. What to do?Funny thing is the older one is the level headed, down to earth one. The younger one is the one I thought would have wanted all the truly expensive stuff!I probably should have said that both daughters live in the towns where the weddings are being held. It's just that one is close, the other is across the country. But, they are still considered "destination" weddings for the hometown folks.Kateqd30: We have spent hours and hours on the phone and internet together. I even did most of the research for her, because she is so busy that she doesn't have time, and put lists together of possible florists, caterers, etc., that she visited and made her choices. I cut out pictures of what she was wanting and sent snail mail. Some she used, some she didn't - and that's ok. I even found the dressmaker for her. This will be a very beautiful, lavish affair. I know NYC is different and more expensive. The weddings are much larger affairs that what I am used to. But there is an ownership factor about actually making favors, and doing the flowers yourself, and things like that so there is more time involved with the younger one's wedding. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around wedding favors that cost 75.00 each, and a florist bill that costs more than my car. I got married in blue jeans at the courthouse and had a cheeseburger afterward, which also is not for everybodyI didn't say her Dad and I won't go - I'd go if it was at the North Pole in a snowstorm and I had to mush in with dogs! I will also make sure that her sisters and husbands are there as well. Also, just to let everyone know, his family is from Ireland and only 3 people are coming (at least as far as I know). Also, they are paying the balance themselves - they both have great jobs. |
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JustB
Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:19 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| you're doing the right thing. Keep a clear mind and you'll be fine.If she wants to have it in NYC then that's what she'll do.And if she wants the show more then she wants loved ones there, so be it.not everyone is logical and sensible. Let her do her thing.Explain you aren't available and leave it at that. If she gives you a hard time, invite her to come see you with samples every weekend.good luck. |
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JoanH
Joined: 24 Nov 2007
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:30 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| This is why people dread "destination weddings." The happy couple has decided that if you really love them, you'll find the money/time off...but sometimes one or both just can't be found. Then you could potentially ruin a friendship over money.Anyway, it sounds like you're handling it just fine. You're not offering to rescue her financially but you're standing firm on your own personal commitments, while you're supporting her to the best of her abilities. As you sussed, there's no point in arguing about it. However, if she's venting her frustration because people are doing exactly what they do when faced with an expensive destination wedding (i.e., regretfully decline and send a gift), all you may be able to do is smile and say calmly, "I understand you're upset. But this is, as you've said, what you want. Unfortunately, this is what happens with destination weddings. Please don't let it ruin your day."Good luck and blessings to both your daughters! And to you They're very lucky to have such thoughtful parents.ETA: Saw your note about the destination aspect of both your daughters' weddings....I can see how the difference between a two-hour drive and a flight to New York (where a hotel has to be booked) might make a huge difference in whether or not the guests regard it as an extravagant destination, though. |
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Jaromir
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:41 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| I was married in NYC, dont be so quick to think she is being "showy", you may get there and its a very quaint and humble wedding, its just the prices in NYC that are outrageous. Plus, everything is bigger and better in NYC and there is alot of competition. She may have changed her humble roots to the "big city"way of thinking and by that may have been to some weddings out here and now feels that she has a standard she has to live up to. Remember she lives here, she probably feels that she has to face these people every day so she wants to be able to hold her head up high by having a wedding that others would envy. NYC is a place all in its own and its very hard to understand if you dont live out here what its like. Even the tri-state area of NYC is tough to live in, its expensive, filled with snobs and will harden even the softest person. Let me ask, I'm sure she knows that you cant come up every weekend, but do you call her often and ask how things are going? To be honest, just from what you wrote it seems you favor your younger daughters wedding a bit more because you think its less "showy", I am sure that the attitude with which you posted above is coming across to your older daughter and she can sense what's in your voice when you speak to her even if you never actually say anything. I think you need to get over the money aspect and show some more interest in the NYC wedding, even if its not your taste, style or choosing. I think she is probably way more upset at your reactions than she is that some guests will not be able to come. |
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inily_iniini
Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 15
Location: Dresden
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:51 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| You can not always make everyone happy all the time. Weddings are a very touch subject. The bride and groom wants everything perfect for their special day and some how its hard to see their visions sometimes. She is stressed out and that is way she is probably saying those thing. After everything is over and everything cools down she will not be mad or upset anymore and things that happened will make since. Just just let her know that you love her and want to help in anyways that you can, but it just might be a little more difficult since it is so far away. That's great that you want to help her. I am 26 and a college student and I'm having to pay for my own wedding on 8-8-08 by myself. I'll only have a budget of $3000-$4000 for the whole wedding and honeymoon without any help from anyone. That's is hard for a broke college kid who does good to scrap up gas money. You are doing the right thing! I wish my mom would offer some input on my wedding. Hang in there it will be a bumpy ride, but things will cool down afterwards and hard feeling will be set aside. Good luck! |
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Klasuiops
Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 8
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:02 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| You are right. You can't just travel to NYC and not everyone can travel there to get to your daughter's wedding. It's her choice to have it in NYC so that means she has to take the good with the bad. The bad being that not everyone can come. That's just reality and she has to face it. My fiance lives in Wisconsin and I live in Maryland. We decided we wanted to have a simple wedding but even that has become a bit to handle with families being in different states. We decided to go to the courthouse in Maryland and have a dinner there for family and friends that evening. It's going to be at a private room at a restaurant. Nothing over the top. The reason to choose Maryland over Wisconsin is that my grandparents are in poor health and can't travel to Wisconsin while his grandparents travel around the country all the time. We are going to have another small dinner in Wisconsin for his side of the family and my parents will be there. It's all going to be very simple but it still takes planning. It was either do it this way, or leave people out. Your daughter has to make the same decision. I also think she's being completely ridiculous by having a 6 figure wedding. A wedding lasts one day and a marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. It's almost like she's living in a fantasy and doesn't want to be knocked out of it. I've known many brides do this who are normally very level-headed. If your daughter doesn't want to have a reception back home and has decided that this is what she wants then she needs to get over it and see that not everyone can attend her wedding. It's just a practicality issue. Perhaps you could try to explain this. Your other daughter isn't getting more help, in my eyes. She's just getting it in a different way. It sounds like you don't want to cause a stir and don't want any strife between you and your daughters. While this is understandable, it is getting to the point where one daughter is not being understanding and is starting to act selfish. She may not realize this but at some point you may just need to tell her that she has to get over herself. This may not be easy to do but it sounds like her angst is just going to build up until the wedding. |
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ketrinfox
Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 3
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:13 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| Hi. From one mom to another....I feel for you.What to do? Exactly as you have. Support both daughters. I do have to agree with Kateqd30 until I read your addendum. In your original post it does sound like you have an attitude about your daughter being "showy." However, in your addendum I do see that you have done a lot to support her by doing so much research for her. That is good.Yes, NYC is ultra expensive. I am assuming that she has grown to love living there and, thus, wants her wedding there. I can understand that....as you can. It's just that everything there does cost so much. I live in a rural area, so I cannot even begin to understand city prices of $100-$200 a plate! In answer to your question....you can't do anything! Simply support both daughters. Know in your heart that you have done everything to support both equally. This is THEIR choice of how they wanted to spend the money given to them. However, BOTH must realize that traveling to ANY wedding is expensive, and many people simply cannot afford it....especially with hotel prices in NYC. I would keep my mouth shut (as you have)....support both daughters....and let the chips fall where they may. That's all you can do!Good luck! |
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kill_yr_television
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 11
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:24 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| I am from Texas. My HTB is from Ohio. We are having the wedding in Ohio because he has more family. Every single one of my Texas relatives have been griping about how unfair it is that they have to travel and I should be doing to wedding here so they can come. I'm sorry but I can't please everybody and SOMEBODY is going to have to travel.If the grooms family is paying more for the wedding than you are it makes sense it would take place close to them.I can understand where the bride is coming from in a way. You are spending all this time helping your other daughter to get ready but won't even be coming to the other wedding?! I know you said you havn't worded it exactly but I could tell even from this question that you dissapprove of the other daughter choosing a more expensive wedding and think it's wasteful. She's going to pickup on that and feel that not being able to afford it is just an excuse for not attending because you don't like her wedding style. i'm not saying you are wrong. If I was a bride with a 6 figure wedding I would be offering to cover the tickets of the close family and friends I really wanted but couldn't afford. |
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KurKusdaod
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 7
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:35 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| I don't know...my sis went in to money-mode when she was planning. That is a tough call. Good luck on it. I think sometimes the worst gets brought out in brides. I haven't seen it with myself, yet, but I am not denying that there is a little bridezilla in all of us. |
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LiraFordZeke
Joined: 12 Aug 2007
Posts: 6
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:46 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| Sad to say, there really isn't anything you can do.You seem to have covered all bases, and havedone what you could long distance. This was herchoice, just keep reassuring her your love for her.As far as a bridal shower??? Try to be as much apart as you can, favors, prizes, games, etc. And tryto make sure other female family members will beable to attend. Good Luck |
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lilbitsoffluff
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:57 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| All you can really do is be supportive. You were equal in what you and your husband contributed to their weddings. They each did what they wanted with the money. One chose a more low-key affair and the one chose to go more extravagant. Your older daughter is not right in accusing you of going overboard with the younger one when it sounds like you really helped her out a lot. Don't play into her bs about doing more for her sister, that's what she wants. Hopefully it's just stress and she'll get over it. Out of curiosity, is the younger one getting married first? It might be jealousy over that or she's just mad that people simply can't afford to go to hers when it's so far away (which would mean hotel, airfare mostly likely, etc) and just a 2 hour drive for the younger one's wedding where they can go home the same night. Just stick to your guns and ignore her complaints. It doesn't sound like you are being more favorable to either one, but fair all around. |
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Killimnangan
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 20
Location: Porn
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 5:08 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| I think you don't understand the makings of a NYC wedding. You can make your own favors, invites, etc and still spend 50K without blinking. Several years ago I had trouble trying to find a photographer for under 3000. People on here say that is their entire budget. Catering halls start negotiating at 100 pp and that is on the cheap end. (just a tip...If she wants great flowers at a cheaper price http://www.flowersbyburton.com/ They are awesome and will probably deliver to NYC for a nominal fee. The thing is just because her wedding is more expensive, further away, and you don't understand the cost, doesn't mean you should be giving it less attention. There are lots of things you can do over the internet and on the phone. She does need to understand that some of the family may not be able to attend but I hope they are not saying they don't have the money because the other daughter got married 6 mos. earlier. |
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JakaPancas
Joined: 13 Jun 2007
Posts: 49
Location: Indonesia
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 5:19 pm Post subject: Two daughters getting married 6 months apart, two entirely d |
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| Not much you can do but, be supprtive and help however you can. She wants to hear that ppl are happy for her not that ppl dont like the drive etc. I'm sorry your having a hard time! Just tell her you love her and that you will do whatever you can to make her day specail. Dont try and speak for others. Let them do that.GOOD LUCK |
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