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ViviJones
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 6
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 Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 8:18 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| For our rehearsal dinner, my mother-in-law has decided that no spouses or significant others are invited. It's fine, it's her party, and we have a larger wedding party. She says it's both cost and intimacy issues.Now my mother has a new partner, they recently (and preemptively according to me) moved in together. She received her rehearsal dinner invitation that was addressed only to her. Today, my mom asked me if she can bring her new partner in an email. I don't really want her partner to come just because I don't know her that well and also because the hostess as not invited anyone else's dates. I don't have a problem with her partner or anything, I just am not sure if it's appropriate. What should I sdo? Am I going to really piss off my mom and her partner if I say she can't come? will I really piss off my mother-in-law if I say my mom wants to bring someone?Please don't say that it's proper etiquette to invite spouses and cohabitating significant others, I am aware.. |
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virgil_fre_wld
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:01 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Your mom should have to follow the same rules that everyone else is following. Just let her know that significant others are not allowed. |
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Viutroy
Joined: 10 Aug 2007
Posts: 10
Location: Pharma
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 11:44 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| You have answered your question in line one of your questionThe person in charge has made a rule. This has nothing to do with your feelings. Just repeat the rule. It is too much to hope that you will not offend anyone. |
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vivientan
Joined: 01 Jul 2007
Posts: 3
Location: Singapore
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:27 am Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| If no one's partner is invited then she can't bring hers, either. It's not her gig. Go to dinner after with your mom & new partner. |
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Virgo27
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:10 am Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| i say that it is only fair to everyone else that only your mother come... besides i hate when the mothers fight it can ruin everything. |
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Visira977
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 4:53 am Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Well, I think the first question to ask is whether your father-in-law will be attending the rehearsal dinner. If so, you should consult with your mother-in-law about making an exception for this situation. If your mother-in-law is not bringing a date, you should politely explain to your mother that it is not your decision, and it's nothing personal. Tell her you still want her partner to attend the wedding. Remember that since the mother-in-law is paying for the rehearsal dinner, she has the final word. |
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Visira977
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 6:35 am Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Well if you and your MIL agreed in the beginning that noone would invite spouses, then all fair to her, I think you should tell your mom. If she gets angry, which she shouldn't, then she will get over it. If your mom would bring him, I wouldn't blame your MIL for getting upset. It is expensive to have a rehersal dinner, and as you say you have a large wedding party. |
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Viva
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 8:18 am Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Just be honest and fair and say sorry, no outside guests! |
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Viutroy
Joined: 10 Aug 2007
Posts: 10
Location: Pharma
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 10:01 am Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Just let your mom know that your MIL has requested that no spouses attend. Tell her it is a flat rule, not specific to her and it's not personal. If she makes a big fuss you may have to appeal to your MIL as it may not be worth a lot of tension but hopefully your mother will try to keep the peace and understand. |
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Virgo27
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:44 am Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Explain to your mother that your m-i-l has not invited anyone else's significant other or spouse. It is not being hosted by you and you were not the one to issue the invitations. Explain that fiances and seating do not allow for extras. Hopefully she will understand that it is not anything against her and her partner. Maybe you and your fiance can go to lunch with the 2 of them so that she can be somewhat included and you can get to know her. |
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Viutroy
Joined: 10 Aug 2007
Posts: 10
Location: Pharma
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:27 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| This was your mother-in-laws decision. Shealready made up her mind, and it was her decision to make. She has her reasons and you support her for her reasons.Your mom knew that she needed to ask you to bring her partner- and she is likely aware that you could say no to her question. You are the bride and if it were important to you that your mother's partner be there I'm sure your mother-in-law would make an exception. As it is, it is not something important to you, in fact you agree with your mother-in-laws decision. You need to realize that you may hurt or anger your mother (and your mother's partner) but you can't please everybody. If you are kind and tactful, you can make this go over better. Let your mom know that you are SORRY she can't bring her partner, but there aren't going to be any spouses/significant others and there will be no exceptions. My advice to you through your wedding process is to be kind and gracious to everyone involved- but remember it is your wedding and you aren't going to please everyone- so don't worry about the people around you getting angry, just do what you feel is right and be as nice as you can about it. |
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Virgo27
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:10 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Your mother should be able to bring her partner. I know you mother-in -law doesn't want spouses there. However, this is the mother of the bride and an ADULT. I'm not saying your friends aren't adults. But, this is a women, most likely older then 45. She is entitled by her age and her position (MOB) to have a formal escort to such an event. It's extremely rude on your mother in laws part to say this to your mother. Like I said, bridal party and friends is understandable. But, not the mother of the bride, that's just disrespectful.Talk your Fi and mother in law. State that your mother is not "just a member of the bridal party", but your parent and she should respected accordingly.I don't agree with others that say, "your mother in law made the rules" Yes, she did. But, it does not mean she should disrespect the mother of the bride. How would you mother in law feel if she was in a similar position. It's just completely disrespectful. Your MIL is treating your mother, "like everyone else."She is not everyone else. What your MIL fails to understand is that your mother will be her son's new mother in law. She should treat your mother with the same respect, she hopes to receive from you and your mom. |
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Visira977
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 4:53 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| I'm glad that you're aware of proper ettiquette. But, that's the mother in law's problem, not yours. She did what she did, and everyone should follow those rules, even if they are rude.Except for the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE. Of course, your mom should be allowed to bring her partner. Is the father of the groom staying at home? I mean, if spouses and partner's aren't invited, then he'll be staying at home, right? |
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Visira977
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 6:36 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| is your father-in-law going? is there a father-in-law? if so why not just ask your mother-in-law if your mum's new spouse can come? if your m-i-l is going single then your mum will have to do the same.you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and i sympathize but surely your mother will realize it isn't you blocking her date. i have never heard of a hostess not allowing the single parent of the bride to bring their significant other/date/whatever. i hope it works out for you sweetie, don't let it ruin your own enjoyment for the evening! happy wedding! |
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Viutroy
Joined: 10 Aug 2007
Posts: 10
Location: Pharma
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 8:18 pm Post subject: bringing new partner to rehearsal dinner? |
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| Your mother is not "one of the bridal party". She is YOUR MOTHER and should be treated with respect and courtesy. Expenses be damned in this situation. Your MIL should not place you in this awkward position and neither should your mother. Actually your mom is probably being VERY sensitive by not just showing up with her new partner, by asking you what to do. She is probably bending over backward to ensure that your new in-laws love you. But - saying that - she placed you in an unenviable position by asking you the question. The way this is handled will set the tone for any future awkwardness in the newly-joined families. You must ask your fiance to speak to his mother. Speak to him with tact and sensitivity. Ask him if BOTH his parents will be at the rehearsal dinner. If both his parents are attending (and I would bget the farm that they are!) then he should call his mom and TELL HER in a "matter of fact" way that: "By the way, Sally's mom will be bringing Tom." If his mom balks and says "No guests", then it is up to HIM to tell his mom that "Sally's mom isn't just one of the bridal party, mom. She is part of a "parental unit" and I respect her too much to ask her to come alone. Please understand. For me, and for Sally." And, by the way, don't mention any tension or negotiations to your mom. She should attend, with her partner, feeling welcomed. Just email your mom and say "Of course you're coming as a couple!" |
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