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jmckhobbs
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
Posts: 28
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 Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| my husbands cousin is getting re-married to her husband whom she never divorced. She got married about 3-4 years ago at the court house, just a small thing, had a reception at a relatives house. They had a baby and lived happily ever after. Now, she wants to have another wedding with the dress, the cake, the reception, the presents, everything. I think its totally tacky and inappropriate. Sounds like a way to get more presents to me! I dont want to say anything cause that would be rude of me but would it be okay to just not attend and not send a gift? Its not my place to tell her how tacky she is so I would rather just say sorry, I have plans with my family that weekend...or something. The whole idea is just so far from proper ettiquette its not even funny but I dont want to be rude either. What would you do?my husband's family all says she's being self-centered and tacky by holding this event too, so at least Im not the only one that feels this way about it. of course if they all end up going anyway, I know I should go toouhm, why would I be jealous? I already had a wedding and it was lovely and I have great memories, that all I need! I just think she's tacky! |
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jo
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:15 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| If you go or not, there is no obligation to give a gift. Buy a lovely card wishing them well as they renew their vows and don't put a dime in it!I'm with you - it is tacky & greedy!If they weren't happy with how their wedding was the first time, too bad. You only have one chance to get married.Edit: I do agree the rules are different in the case of military service that having a quickie wedding before and whole shebang after is A-OK, but only in this situation. |
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JMo3560
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:23 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| this is just one of those things, you know?you can't really say anything to her about it as that would be sure to cause a strain on your relationship.you kind of just have to grin and bear it and hope she comes to her senses. if not...you should just go. Or find a better excuse than "i have plans"use it as an excuse to take a trip and tell her you'd planned it before you found out about her wedding ;pgood luck! |
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Jo0982
Joined: 12 Dec 2007
Posts: 49
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:32 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| There is nothing wrong with someone wanted to renew their vows in a church with all their family present. I don't think that there should be gifts - what would they need? My brother got married at a JOP, then a year or two later they had a church wedding with all the trimmings. If sounds to me like you are just jealous that she wants to have a special day to remember. |
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jo
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:40 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| it might not seem like the most appropriate thing to do. but a woman dream is to have the fairytale wedding. may be the money was tight in the beginning. So let her have her day. speaking of proper etiquette you all have been calling her tacky behind her back and then smiling in her face.. So who is tacky...hmmm |
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jo
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| I think generally second weddings are tacky, unless there was a good reason (like someone in the military going overseas) to do a quick courthouse wedding originally.If your husband's cousin does decide to do this, she should not expect gifts. (You wrote in your question that they did have a small reception so I assume they were given gifts then) |
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jo
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| It's a renewal of vows, not a second wedding and she wouldn't be the first person to have done this. The gift giving part should be omitted, but the rest sounds fine. |
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JMDP
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 43
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| Sweet Pea,I tend to agree with lalala.If the couple has already been married, and they have a child, then what is the purpose of having a wedding?A wedding is where a minister or Justice of the Peace performs a ceremony, and pronounces the couple married. According to you, this was done 3-4 years ago. So in essence, this event will not actually be a wedding.When couples renew their vows it's generally done on anniversary dates, like 20th, 25th, etc.Two things you didn't say are what your husband's thinking is, and why they originally got married at the court house, and now want a wedding."Ranger" |
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jo
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| Im with you. If its to the same person, a second wedding is ridiculous. Its almost pathetic, trying to recreate a moment which is long gone. In my book, you get one wedding and if it was at the JOP so be it. You cant just have a wedding any old time you feel like. Weddings are reserved for those who are about to get married, and by going outside of that parameter, your husbands cousin and others are sort of making it less special for the rest of us. Except in the case of military service, I am not a fan of this new trend.But anyway, no I would not go. I have better things to do than watch such a poor spectacle. I would just send a congratulatory card with a hand-written message inside. |
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JMo3560
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| If they only marreid a few years ago, I wouldn't think there was any need to give another gift. It's their choice to have another wedding, and it's their money, but they will need to understand that many people will not want to give gifts again. My brother married last August in England (where we live), and this December he's getting married again, this time in Hong Kong (where his wife is from. While it's a hard one, we are going to Hong Kong, because we would appreciate the same to be done for us. It's a lot of money for flights etc, but he's worth it. we're not giving more gifts, as we think that our presence is enough for them, and we only gave them gifts the year before anyway! My partner and I are from 2 different countries, so there is a chance we will be married in the UK, and have a 10yr anniversary party in the other country. But we wouldn't expect everyone to be able to make it, and it woudl be a decade difference. |
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JMo3560
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| Well, it'd be a "renewal of vows" ceremony and not "getting married again", so most likely she won't be able to have everything that a first wedding does.IMO I would attend and give a nice card, no present, or not attend and give a nice card, no present. Especially if you already gave one during her original ceremony. Even if you did not, you are not obligated in any way to give a gift for a renewal of vows ceremony. |
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Jo0982
Joined: 12 Dec 2007
Posts: 49
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| Ok let's put your thoughts and feelings aside and think our that woman for a while... She's throwing a wedding party after so many years and even a child. and you really think it's for the gifts? A wedding is such a sweet thing... like u said, u have such wonderful memories of it. She probably has attended thousands of weddings by now and she's just feeling that she's "missed" the chance of being a "bride." Why not buy her a good gift, attend the wedding and grace her? |
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Jo0982
Joined: 12 Dec 2007
Posts: 49
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| It just sounds like a renewal of vows to me, not a 2nd wedding per se. If they'd divorced and then were remarrying, maybe that would be tacky. But this is just a 2nd chance to have the wedding of their dreams, doesn't seem inappropriate at all. If you got them a gift the first time around, then just give them a card or something small like a picture frame. I do wish people would not assume that weddings are just a way to get more gifts, because in most cases the cost of these events and the effort involved far outweigh what they would "make back" in gifts. So let's assume they're not doing it out of greed, but rather because they are in love and want to celebrate it with family and friends. Be grateful that you were able to have your dream wedding the first time around - now it's their turn to do the same. |
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JMo
Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject: is a second wedding appropriate? |
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| I happen to agree with you on this because it's like saying the first marriage never took...or wasn't good enough. For my second marriage we had a small courthouse ceremony followed by a small gathering at my sisters.Would I now consider a 're-do'???? H@ll no. In my book, yes, kinda tacky....now a re-newal of vows, sure...but that would not be the whole white wedding thing...far too silly IMO.I know I'll get a thumbs down on this but quite frankly how can a wedding truely be re-done????? What is it, an 'Oops, not good enough first time around so I gotta have a re-do 'till I get just it right? And how many re-do's are one re-do too many.....Too many girls have this fairy tale image in their heads on how their wedding will be..and are disappointed when Reality steps in.....I'm sure many have an image of what their first pregnancy/birth/baby will be like...if it doesn't go as imagined, are there re-do's on that too???? How about re-dos on senior proms, graduations, funerals even.......Disappointment comes with Life..one has to learn to deal with it and move on...Fairy tales are just that and belong sandwiched inbetween two book covers.If you truely don't want to go, then don't..send a token gift and make your apologies....I'm with you, Hon....one wedding is enough. |
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