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ChristineP1801
Joined: 09 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:47 pm Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| Why do people change after you married? I have been married just over a year and have had lots of traumatic events in that time 1.my 33 year old brother had a stoke the day after I got married and spent 80 days in the hospital 2. My wife OD on sleeping pills and spent all of our savings 3.my business is failing due to changing market conditions. The woman I was engaged to is not the same person she use to have 2 jobs very out going and not addicted to sleeping pill. Now a year later I find out she has this addiction we have no saving and that she has file bankrupted a few years back. She has a big problem with telling the truth but I think that has something to do with the addiction. I have got her some help with the addiction she has been clean a month now. She has a second job and has paid back ½ of what she took from saving and my brother is doing well and can walk again (he was the best man at our wedding) and for my business well it not doing so well but I am working on it. Now with all that I am having a hard time to find a reason to stay married. I know that said for better or worse but come on is this what they were talking about they could have spread it out over the years not give it to me all at once. Now my wife she use to be a pashanet person full of life and loved to spend time with her friends now she has lied to all of then over one thing or anther (addiction anyone) and now doesn’t wont to see them. Has gained 40 pounds and has lost most of her sex drive. I fell in love with her because she was a worm bubbly blond that love to have a good time anywhere. Now she is the type of person I try to stay away from. What do I do what drives you to stay married what would you do if you were me. I lover her but don’t like to be around her every day I feel like I am drifting away PLEASE HELP ME!!!no kids no house just a big dog she dosent like |
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countryfestivewurzelbumpk
Joined: 25 Jan 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 10:39 pm Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| Did you drive her to sleeping pills?My ex drove me batty. As soon as we split up, I began to get my senses back. Maybe you are not good for her or she for you.If you have kids, you have to try, though.How did you change?You can still by a car and a house even though there is a bankruptcy. Rich people do it all of the time. |
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Dale
Joined: 24 Nov 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 11:30 pm Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| It sounds like there was a lot about her that you never knew. You say that she was always happy and so forth before getting married, but that cannot be true. She filed for bankruptcy for a reason. It may have been a past addition.It sounds like you really never knew her at all. I cannot say that staying in the marriage is a great idea. I can say that with continued therapy the parts of her that you most enjoy might partially come back. She will never be what you remember, as that was during your dating and it was a good time for her.Take care,Troy |
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CrazyH
Joined: 03 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| you have had a very tough time, you wife should be your lover and your support system and help you through family and business problems...you are overloaded with so many burdens and it is a shame that your wife has become one of them...granted she has her own demons but your marraige has turned into an unhappy one...please talk with your wife, tell her that you appreciate the efforts she has made but you would like to see her spirit restored and to try to rekindle the old flames that led you to marry...sounds to me like you need some time away together...a mini break or a winter sun holiday if your finances can cope with that...perhaps a change of scene will revive your wife and give her reason to smile and be outgoing again...it might give you two quality time together to fall in love again...if you love this woman dont give up yet...you dont deserve to be miserable so try to encourage your wife and be supportive! if all else fails i would reasses your choices...you are a strong man who deserves a good and loving woman...try everything you can to save this marraige before you walk away...good luck! |
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ColleenC
Joined: 27 Dec 2007
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| Wow - harsh. You got some nasty surprises.Here's the thing: she handed you a bill of goods about who she is and what she is about. As far as I see it, your vows are promises that are supposed to be based on a truthful foundation.That said, you need to figure out:a) if she intends to get help and try to get back to what you had or if she is a total lost cause addict liar and b) if you are willing to do the work that it will take to try to get your life back. |
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crisicasep
Joined: 19 Dec 2007
Posts: 3
Location: HR
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:04 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| You are drifting away and your wife can probably sense that. Still, you said yourself that she's getting better and is back to working two jobs. Give her a chance to do some good.I don't know how well you knew your wife before your married her, but clearly you had a different set of expectations and you feel disillusioned. You are grouping your brother's medical condition and the bad economy with the issue you have with your wife. That is unfair to her and you're going into overload.Try your very best to honor your marriage vows. Work with your wife. If she's emotionally stable enough, gently let her know how you feel. If she's not stable enough, talk to her doctor, therapist, pastor or counselor. She needs to know that you meant what you said on your wedding day. If you fail her, she'll see it as all the more reason to continue in a downward spiral.The two of you need to get to the bottom of her issues--whatever led to her addiction. She may be feeling disillusionment about the marriage, too. The important thing is that you two work on the problems together. |
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curiousgal7520
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| and exactly how well did you know her before you married her? either she's great at manipulation, or you rushed through things so quickly and blinded by love that you didn't catch onto anything along the way.you have two choices, 1 divorce/annulment (since you very well married under false pretenses) or 2 stay and chance it, give it some time, recover a bit, and see where you are afterwards. |
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DaIllestBee
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| I don't think that you knew your wife nearly as well as you thought you did. She needs to get some help & keep at it. It sounds like she is trying, but you need to make sure that you know all of the skeletons in your wife's closet. It's really a bad sign that she didn't trust you enough to tell you that she had all of these problems.In the end, if you can't make it work even after trying to get counceling for her problems & your marraige, then there is no fault in calling it quits as long as you tried. In my opinion she struck the first blow to your marraige by not being honest about herself & her past. |
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CynthiaH
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 17
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:38 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| Wow, Their appears to be alot of un-needed drama going on in your life! But life is life and we take the good with the bad and do whatever it takes and make the best of it, having a positive attitude is something I think your wife may be lacking, and let,s face facts here, she is obviously a addict and I mean no disrespect by that, Im just stating a fact, and having lots of knowledge about addiction behavior problems I can say to you that your wife is not completely out of the woods, her addiction is something that cant be resolved in such a short time, she is still very ill, you claim she is overweight now, and no longer this warm bubbly girl that you once knew and fell in love with? sounds to me as if your wife has alot of issues and needs some support from you to get her back to the person who she really is, these things take time. I really do think she is in a deep dark place in her life and could use some therapy, sir, I think she is very depressed and walking away from her isnt the answer, you made a commitment to her and dont bail now, geez, what kinda man are you? Stand by your woman and get her the help and support she needs, today! |
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come_to_hell88
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:30 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| Addicts are very good at hiding their drug use when they are motivated to do so. She used, lied to you and stole from you. You arent obligated to stay with her. Glad your brother is better and hope your business rallies. |
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dadadawimble
Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 9
Location: USA
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:21 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| If you have no kids, then is best for you guys to divorce. I'm telling you this because it seems that she got you under false pretenses. She lied to you about her financial standing, she hide from you her drug addiction, she steal from your life savings, she stopped the s ex and has morphed into an overweight blob. That's NOT the woman that you married.People do not change and if anything, things will get worse. having a person to drag you down is not what you what you want in a marriage.If there are no kids and no reason left to stay married, then don;t. Life is too short to be miserable.Good luck |
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Cindi Carver
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 8
Location: United States
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 7:13 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| I can see where you are coming from, but wouldn't you rather know all now rather than later? Yes it may be a lot to take in all at once and sounds like you are having troubles and going through a rough situation. It sounds like your wife is also though, and instead of pushing her away or pushing yourself away from her, I think you should go to her and be there for her. Sounds like you need someone to lean on and that she needs someone to lean on also. This is one of life's many test it will throw at you, I say take it and fight through it don't just give up on the person you love. She may not be the person you thought she was but maybe she is having some personal issues with herself. Maybe she really needs you now and if you really do love her then you will stay by her side through thick and thin and not give up on her, your relationship with her or yourself. Go to her try to talk this out with her, she should be your best friend and you should be able to talk with her about anything and visa versa. If you don't have this relationship with her then create it and communicate with her, it maybe hard but you married her not anyone else. Save what you know is there. |
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dadforfive
Joined: 27 Dec 2007
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 8:04 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| You have to do what makes you happy. For once dont worry about her, she will be ok or she wont, but you cant waste your life on what could have been....go live and enjoy. |
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ComradeHarley
Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 6
Location: usa
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 8:56 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| You have helped your wife, been there for your brother and are facing a slow economy. Now is the time for you to get help for yourself. No marriage is easy nor should it be disposable ~ You have been overwhelmed for a year, the feeling doesn't go away once things start changing and the emotions don't go away by themselves, you now need to deal with your issues and be taught how to let go.....As for the change in your wife's personality, it could be a change with what she is dealing with or it could be your own perception with what you have been through.... |
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cindra0518
Joined: 12 Feb 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 9:47 am Post subject: We married and then I found all the skeletons? |
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| sounds like my marriage! Its hard to deal with a person with an addiction whether it be if they are in recovery or relapsing, you start to feel resentment towards them for "ruining" things.It is the addiction all around that is making her who she is not, give it some time, but do not enable her, you have to be there for her your her husband but it will only get harder, she may go thru a phase where she resents you for taking her drug of choice away... if ya want to converse or just have someone listen who knows where your coming from please feel free to email me, also you may want to check into some grievance counseling.... I have been married for 5 years and my husband isint the same person who i thought he was, me and my kids have stuck it out thru thck and thin but just didnt work and now filing for divorce, he had several addictions and gave up each one with going back to each one as the out come, an addict thinks that if they give it up they can use again and not still be addicted even if it is just once,unfortunately they need an intervention and rehab.....good luck to you n your dog(i have a dog my husband hates as well ) |
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