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sydshyne
Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
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 Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:33 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| This October I will be in a wedding for one of my best friends. We have known each other 27 years. Our mothers were best friends and drug/drinking buddies and somehow we beat the odds and came out right. I have a family with two step-kids and am a Realtor in a very bad market in Syracuse, so money is very, very tight. We are poorer than we have ever been. The wedding is in NC. The wedding is costing her about $17K. She asked me to be her MOH and I accepted, but I didn't realize how much she would require of me. She wants me to pay for a my dress, a bridal shower, a bachlorette party and I will have to make 2 trips to NC wherein I figure it is cheaper to fly than drive. She wants these two parties (bridal and bachlorette) to be all out with me paying for everything - food, drinks, etc. for everyone and when I try to stress my finances to her... I feel it falls on deaf ears. She is having her dream wedding, while I will be running to an island with just 4 friends for a weekend formy own wedding. WE ARE BROKE. I am secretely hoping she will ask me to step down because this is all too much. The dress itself will be about $300. I have a family to feed and care for. I love her, but I cannot spend $2K on her special day as a MOH, when my own wedding won't even cost me that much!I feel like such a jerk and it's crushing me, because we are so close, but how can I explain to her and get it through to her that she is expecting way too much from me. I didn't realize that I was going to have to do a bridal shower and a bachlorette party and fly to NC 2 times for this wedding. I didn't know her wedding was going to be so formal when I accepted her offer.Am I being ridiculous?P.S.I'm crying, don't get this wrong, she is NOT beatch! We grew up so freaking poor and this is her one chance to shine and it is breaking my heart that I can't afford to do both parties. I keep saying to her that I can't afford this and that.. and the facials and manicures/pedis she wants on top of it, but I don't think she gets it. I think because she's FINDING money to have her dream wedding, she expects me to find money to make this happen. She is a GREAT person in general though. |
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monica_au04
Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 2:41 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| You have to be completely honest with her. Next time you are together, or next time you talk on the phone, make it very clear that what you are about to say needs her complete attention. Then spell it out for her. She should understand your situation and together you can figure out a solution. Let her cover those expenses, or even consider asking a couple of friends to go in together to cover the expense of the bachelorette party. |
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CindyLu5196
Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| You need to talk to this so called friend and let her know right away that there is no way you can afford to carry out her plans. The shower is supposed to be somethign you throw for her to fit what you can do not her wildest dreams. If you have a shower, that is her bach party you are not repsonsible for two parties. Deaf ears? Sit her down and tell her that it is not going to happen so if that is her requirements for a MoH, which is greedy, thoughtless and beyond Bridezilla, then she will have to get some one else. What she wants is beyond the call and you have no need to comply. Tell her ASAP so she can make arrangements. |
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jgf58229600
Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| man, i thought you were MY moh at first! friends for 33 years, she's in nc and i'm north of syr, in the adk mtns!i would tell her the truth, really. if mine told me, i wouldn't be the least bit mad. she's loaded, so i know it's not an issue for her. i would definately tell her.email me if you want:) |
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Deanri5086
Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| No, not at all. My best friend is in a simliar situation, her husband was out of work for three months, they have a new baby, and no money. I knew it would be a huge burden for her to be at my wedding so I offered to pay for her trip, her dress, everything. I would never have even thought to ask her for showers and parties! Even after offereing all of that, she can't attend because she can't take off work or she won't get paid, It's very sad for us but life is life, she would be there if she could.Your friend is being very selfish. She needs to understand what she is asking of you. You need to be very clear and realistic with her. Explain your limitations. She needs to help you relieve some of them or realize that you may not be able to be there at all. |
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JosetteN
Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 23
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| You're not alone. A lot of people don't realize the cost involved with being a bridesmaid. But being a Maid of Honor can be SUPER costly.While you can ask other bridesmaids for financial help for the bachlorette party (and should), you are kind of stuck with a lot of other out-of-pocket expenses that you may not have even realized yet. You named a few, but here are some I can think of from all of my reading in preparation for my own Wedding:-- Dress-- All accessories (shoes, stockings, slip, special bra, jewelry)-- Gift for the couple-- The Bridal Shower (food, drinks, small gift)-- The Bachlorette Party (a lot of bridesmaids not only pay for the bride to eat/drink, and for themselves, but then you have the cost of transporation, tips, and the usual "sexy or gag" gift that bridesmaids all chip in on)-- Travel fees for you and your husband/family, including accomodations and food I'm with the other gal that answered - before it gets carried away, you need to sit down on the phone and have a heart-to-heart with your friend. She needs to know where you are financially, and that you love her, but that you fear that you can't afford to fulfill the role financially. Unless she's a Trump, she will probably understand. While she might be upset at first, she will appreciate your honesty and communication in the end. I wish you the very best - good luck!!! |
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mozabrat1528
Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:21 am Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| Just strait tell her that you simply cannot take the position and that since there is still a good amount of time until the wedding you think it would be better for her to ask someone else to be her MOH. Let her know that you would really love to do it and were honored to be asked, but financially it is just impossible for you to take on the responsibility. There is nothing wrong with telling her this now....do not wait any longer though. I have had to miss out of state weddings at times because we just could not afford the air faire and hotel, much less paying for two parties. Just be completely honest, she should understand, if she does not, then that is on her. Finances are different, I own a business that makes money four months out of the year, the other eight months I just pay the bills on it. My husand carries our family and there are times that we have had to bow out of occassions due to finances, there is no shame in that. Just tell her asap and be honest about it. Good luck. |
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Bree7306
Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| I know it's hard but you need to have a talk with your best friend as soon as possible. You need to explain the financial situation to her again. Let her know that you simply cannot afford to pay for everything she wants you to. Suggest a compromise - maybe you could pay for your dress and host BYO parties for her. There is no reason whatsoever that she should expect you to pay for everyone's food and drink at the parties when you're having financial problems. Just go out to a local bar or restaurant and everyone can buy their own. Tell your friend (gently) that unless you two can reach a compromise that you can afford you will not be able to be her MOH. Good luck! |
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MISS84
Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:37 am Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| Wow, that bridesmaid dress is expensive. One thing you should remember is that friends should be able to talk about things. Tell her all about your burdens and make sure she is listening to you. Remind her that you are getting married too.Try working with the other bridesmaids and the family to plan her parties. When I was in a wedding everyone helped plan the bridal shower and baccalaureate party, we all chipped in and brought what ever was needed. Good Luck! |
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Isadora
Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:45 am Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| Truely, perhaps you should meet with her face to face and explain the situation, then just step down. I will worn you she may never truely be your friend again but this is life. You should just get a few of her friends who will be attending the shower and bachlorette party to all chip in that way you don't pay much. But you have to understand your dynamic with your friend will forever change. i know this cause my MOH did it to me and truely I want nothing to do with her. Sorry but it's the truth of life. But I'm only asking her to come to the wedding nothing else. |
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my_son_wants_to_know
Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:53 am Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| If this is really your friend call her and TELL HER. Ask her to please listen, tell her all the nice things you said that you love her and want to be there but you are broke. DO NOT get in over your head, it is not fair. I don't see why you should have to pay for it all. For the bachelorette party all the girls can pay their own way and maybe pitch in a little for her fun, and for the bridal shower well surely she has a mother aunt or sister who will step up and do it. Be honest, and tell her now before it is too late. |
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jmd72inva8960
Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:01 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| I feel your pain. My best friend got married about 2 years ago and I had to tell her about 6 months beforehand that I couldn't afford the responsibility (at that point I didn't even know if I could go to the wedding- let alone be MOH...she lives in Hawaii- there is no such thing as a "bargain trip" to Hawaii) She was disappointed- and a little angry....but brides have a tendency to get all caught up in the day and lose sight of what is really important...my girlfriend didn't take long to understand why I couldn't and she and I were fine soon after.Tell her everything you've said here...NOW...she has more than enough time to find a replacement, and you can and will do anything you can for her, I'm sure- but there is no reason to be financially "blind" to everything.Don't worry too much- the anticipation of telling her is worse than actually telling her.And to respond to another answer here- if your dynamic changes with your friend over this- it wasn't much of a friendship. |
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Cher3780
Joined: 26 Mar 2008
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:09 pm Post subject: I am an out of State Maid-of-Honor who is financially challe |
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| Tell her like it is:You love her, but the costs have gone way beyondyour means. Good Luck |
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