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Pletenurn
Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 3
Location: USA
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 5:28 pm Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| How do you deal with the anger? my stepfather is dying cancer. it is horrifying. he is always falling down, becoming incontient, the house smells like s*** no matter what is done to clean it and my mother is about to have a nervous breakdown. my friends have no clue what i am going throgh and are very insensitive to it. one told me that his dying is only 'one' thing i have to deal with but she has to deal with both planning a birthday party and a wedding! i just want to leave home altogether and move out. (i pay my mother rent, i moved in when it was cheaper than keeping my own apartment.)rather than evoking sympathy, seeing my mom upset makes me angry and want to get away from her.he's on hospice care now and for my mom putting him in a hospital is a non-option. please don't suggest groups or therapy, i've been thru that.just tell me how u dealt with similar angerWhat is so frustrating is that my mother is the type that always has to have things "her way" and doesn't want to have many people coming into the home to help. When I try to help sometimes she gets angry at me, which i don't understand. |
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Rachael
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:08 pm Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| Anger is one of the stages of grief, and it's something you need to get through as best you can if you won't accept counseling.Bottom line, you need to realize the your stepfather is dying; it's not about you, it's about him. Death is never pretty, but the way you handle it when it comes into your life can make it easier for the dying and those who love them, and even for you.Think about it. |
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raichasays5097
Joined: 16 Feb 2008
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| I've not experienced what you are going thru. It is mean for your friends to not sympathize with you, or ask if they can help. Can you afford to move out? I'm hoping that hospice is helping a lot to give your mother a break. I can't imagine what it must be like for you, her and the stepfather with cancer. It sounds like he will not live long.May God fill your home with angels to help you all, and may He be real in your life. |
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queermaccoula
Joined: 15 Nov 2007
Posts: 4
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| it's not anger it's frustrationtalk to her tell her he needs to go in a home where they can take much care of him. |
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Rebekah
Joined: 12 Feb 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:08 am Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| ok first of all your friend is an idiot for thinking a 2 joyous parties is worse than a deathand i really havent been in your position but i think you shopuld do some yoga [it helps even though it sounds stupid] or kickboxingbut i think leaving would hurt ur mother even more |
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RobertR
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:48 am Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| that's simply call a time out. if you're angry then inhale & exhale & count from 10 to 1. |
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RachelC
Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| I can tell what you are going through is really really hard.I think that its important for you to remember that you are entitled to time to your yourself. And to do things that make you happy - even if its just for a few minutes here and there.Its very hard to live with someone who is dying. When I had relatives who were in the process, I found solace with talking to my friends, going for walks, and sometimes even just going to my room and shutting the world away.Do you have any friends that will listen to you vent? sometimes its helpful to have someone listen who won't try to fix everything or judge you. I hope that helps. |
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Redcianna
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 5:08 am Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| Hi,You have to think very carefully in regards to the real reason you are very angry. it could be you are angry on yourself or on your mom or on your stapfather...I don't know.Once you find out you have to learn to be a little more proactive about it. no one can give you a good advice, it will have to come from you because no one can put himself in your place.Hope this helps. |
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rittafaltoyano
Joined: 06 Feb 2008
Posts: 3
Location: Jordan
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:48 am Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| I am sorry that you are going through this life crisis. YOu are helping your mom by paying rent and being there for support for her. Even though you are angy inside, you are doing the right thing by supporting your mom--stay the course and bite the bullet. Unfortunately, dying is not nice and incontinence , smells and such are part of it. There is an old saying, " what doesn't kill us will make us stronger". Take some comfort from this. This is all part of life--we are all faced with unpleasant things and hopefully, we won't run away from our challenges when the going gets tough.I see that you have said that therapy and groups are not for you--why not? Perhaps the groups you sat with were not people of your own age? Try again. I hope that you can put aside your own feelings and think of your mom--she is soldiering on while her husband is dying before her eyes. Think is what she is going through. " For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health"--she is not running away from her promise to her husband and you should support her, no matter how hard it is. When you are older and wiser, you will remember this and be proud that you helped your mom.I wish you a lot of support and Good Luck. |
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playthilt
Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 8:28 am Post subject: dealing with someone who is dying? |
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| I agree with Cappo and Northern Girl. I have been through your situation several times and it is never easy. I don't want to give you any pop psychology. Try asking your Mother if you can help when she's dealing with something. By asking her first you are giving her the opportunity to open up to you and possibly avoid an angry outburst from her. Don't tell her your way of handling something is better, even if it is. Don't try to advise her unless she asks for it. Being supportive is sometimes just biting your lip and going along. She is dealing with many emotions herself, and whatever you are feeling is multiplied many times with her, And find a new friend. The one you mentioned is unbelievably callous and superficial. Soon you will be back in class. Your job is to concentrate on your studies. Suffering and finally death will occur regardless of what you do. Then will come a time of healing. Fortunately time is the greatest healer of all. But for now put your own feelings aside. Most of the time when your Mother snaps at you she doesn't really mean it. So just let it slide. Good luck to you Honey. |
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