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Vajocheboca
Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 42
Location: Venezuela
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 Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 9:42 am Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 7 ½ years. We have had a long distance relationship for about 5 of those years, and I’m sick and tired of it. He recently had to relocate across the country for his job, and since he is so far, we had agreed to get married soon (like march 2009) so that I can move in with him (I can’t live with him unless I’m married, due to religion tradition, etc). Since I was seeing no engagement, I talked to him about it to see where things were going, and now he tells me he might not be able to do it because he has no money. I said I don’t need a ring or a big wedding, I’m just tired of the long distance relationship, but he said he wants to do things right (engagement ring, wedding, bla bla bla). It’s been a long time and I feel like I am always waiting for something else to happen so that we can move forward, if its not one thing, its another. Now we are waiting for another raise. He always complains that i am pushing him, but it’s been almost 8 years!! I don’t even know how to feel. I am so upset and sad, but I don’t know if I should be mad because he has no money, because it’s not fair. I should be mad if he didn’t want to marry me at all, which is not the case; he said he loves me and wants to marry me, and is committed to me, but he can’t get married now. I feel that maybe its more than just money, because he says that at 24 he shouldn’t be stressing over these issues?! I don’t know how to feel or what to do, please tell me what you think of my situation??? Or how I should react? Am i being selfish? Ugh, I'm so confused. Thanks a lot. |
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ValAmomyral
Joined: 11 Jul 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Bermuda
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:12 am Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| SELFISH~~ no way!Smart~~ no way!.It's time to leave lying dogs go!!MOVE ON GIRL! |
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ValAmomyral
Joined: 11 Jul 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Bermuda
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:42 am Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| Like you said 8 years is a long time to be dating someone for, and I think that if he truly wanted to marry you right now that he would find a way to do so. he's using money as an excuse because he's not ready to get married yet. And you should be upset and mad. Maybe he doesn't have the same plans for the future as you do. might want to think about moving on. |
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Valerie
Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Posts: 67
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:11 am Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| There is an old adage that says, "Where there is a will, there is a way." Meaning you can do anything you want to do. It sounds to me like he's making a ton of excuses to keep from committing. He likes the status quot. If he considers your relationship an "issue" to "stress over", maybe it is time to move on. Things aren't gonna change. Best wishes. |
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valB
Joined: 02 Jun 2008
Posts: 66
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:41 am Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| Eight years is a long time, but for many of those years, you guys were young. If you're only 24, I would give it another two years. He seems like he wants to make the commitment, and it's smart to wait until you're financially stable. You should never rush into marriage just because you want to live together. I know that's not your only reason, but I'm actually on side side.Hun, it's so worth the wait. My fiance and I DID live together before marriage. We were together for a total of four years before getting engaged, but we knew we wanted to get married a year into our relationship. We waited because we wanted to do it right. We wanted the money to be able to start our lives together, and I'm so happy we did. It makes things a LOT less stressful, and we can now concentrate on the wedding and our lives together.I would suggest that one of you move to the other's town and rent an apartment. That way, you're not living together, but you're at least close. Pick the town where you would settle if you got married. Once you decide you're both financially ready and you get engaged, start to look for an apartment or house together. |
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Valerie
Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Posts: 67
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 12:11 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| Male point of view -Right now you have no reason to rush things and no reason to not beleive him when he says he wants "to do things right".Take it easy the last thing you need is for one of you to feel pressured into something. * years is a long time whats 1 more?Best wishes |
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Valerie
Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Posts: 67
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 12:41 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| Honey, I hate to have to say this, but it sounds like he is scared of the commitment and is looking for any excuse not to do it.If her really wanted to marry you, he would have found a way by now, don't you think.? As you have a religious tradition, and as I am a committed Christian, here is a prayer, which you can accept or not as you choose. "Lord, please be with this couple in this situation.If the man is scared of commitment, please take away his fear. Please be with the lady and show her what she should do. In Jesus' Name amen"Hope this helps. |
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Valerie
Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Posts: 67
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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Been there done that... I heard excuse after excuse for 6 years. The truth was he just didn't want to.Call his bluff. Say, Look Dude, we go the justice of the peace within the next two weeks or it's over, and mean it. You've wasted enough time, let him go and find someone who really wants to be with you. ps- He didn't HAVE to relocate! He could have quit, stayed there, found another job, or turned down the move, lots of options. He left because he wanted to. Wake up and smell the coffee, sister.  |
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Valerie7850
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| i think u need to move on because hes not honestly ready |
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Valentanchur
Joined: 10 Jun 2008
Posts: 61
Location: Denmark
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 2:10 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| Here's the cold hard truth sweetie: At age 24, he's just not ready and he's probably got doubts in the back of his mind because you're probably the ONLY girl he's ever really dated. Most men think this way until they get in their 30's. It's the age old question of "is the grass greener on the other side" curiosity. And for a guy, it's important they've given themselves time to date, learn, and grow. Your guy hasn't had that opportunity so it's no surprise that he probably isn't ready to commit. He may be telling you he is but his actions tell a very different story. Think of your r'ship: How often has everything revolved around HIS situation, his job, his timing? If I had to guess, it's probably alot. I have no doubt that he loves you and that you love him but the truth is, love isn't enough to make a marriage. It takes WORK and so far, it sounds like you're the only willing to make sacrifices to do that. Don't waste your life away waiting around on him sweetie. You WILL regret it, I promise. I definitely speak from experience. No matter how much YOU want marriage, it's one of those things you just can't rush and I had to learn that the hard way. Whenever a woman is obviously pressuring the guy & the guy is resisting, it always throws out a big red flag to me. When a guy knows he's met "the one", he is EXCITED at the idea of marrying that person....he doesn't dread talking about it. He's excited to spend his life w/ her. You shouldn't have to drag someone down the aisle. My advice to you is to break up w/ this guy for a while. Let him grow up, pursue his own life and date other people (as scary as that seems now)...and you date other people. If he's truly the love of your life, then it WILL happen for you guys. If you have to hold onto him w/ a death grip, then it's not love. |
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ValAmomyral
Joined: 11 Jul 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Bermuda
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 2:40 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| I don't think you are being selfish at all. You're hurt and rightfully so since it does not seem as if your boyfriend really wants to commit. It's unfair of him to say you are pushing him to the altar.I don't think issuing an ultimatum to get married is the best thing...Would you want to be married to someone who begrudgingly marries you? Sit him down, face to face, and tell him that you want to marry him. Ask him to set some sort of a guideline (say 1 year). Tell him that his decision will chart the course of the relationship and that you may end up leaving. If he doesn't take your discussion seriously, then you will have your answer.On a personal note, you can wait a long time for someone who isn't interested...You're young, find someone else who will make the commitment to you! |
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valB
Joined: 02 Jun 2008
Posts: 66
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| If you've been with a guy almost 8 years and you're not engaged yet, I usually will tell someone that the guy likely has no intention of marrying them, and I'd advise them to move on. BUT your case is an exception. He is only 24, and much of your "wait" was as teenagers. He's still quite young and likely so are are you. Also, the 5 years of your relationship that were long-distance IMO counts as less than 5 years of face-to-face dating time as it takes longer to really get to know each other. He is absolutely correct to build up his career before getting married. Neither of you would be in a good situation to get married when he has no money. As others have pointed out, wanting to live together finally is insufficient reason to tie the knot. What is stopping one of you from moving to the other person's town or at least closer, and renting an apartment there?I can see that he is feeling pressured to get married. Never ever pressure anyone to marry you. I understand why you're impatient about this, but marriage plans need to proceed (or not proceed) at the slower person's pace. I think a couple as young as the two of you should not be in a hurry to get married and need to get settled in your careers first. |
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valentinesdayyy
Joined: 15 Feb 2008
Posts: 63
Location: Burkina Faso
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| take the advice from an old grandma and dump this guy before he dumps you. He has no intentions of marring you. He has strung you along for 8 years, moved across country,and is using the excuse of no money and he can't deal with the stress. He most definitely doesn't want to get married. he's to young and immature to except this kind of responsibility. Open your eyes up honey your too beautiful of a person to be treated llike this. I'm sure there is the right fellow out there for you. Good luck to you and God Bless you. |
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ValAmomyral
Joined: 11 Jul 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Bermuda
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 4:10 pm Post subject: My boyfriend postponed engagement/wedding plans. I don't kno |
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| It's more than money; he's not sure he wants to marry you, and he's biding his time. Money is just a convenient excuse. He probably is quite happy with the way things are now (he has you, but you're not around all the time), and is in no way in a hurry to burden himself with the responsibilities of marriage. You're not selfish, but you do have to decide if this is worth the wait - if you don't think it is, it's within your rights to leave and look elsewhere. There are plenty of guys out there who are looking to have a real family and are ready to take on the responsibility. |
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