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DoctorFoo
Joined: 14 Jan 2008
Posts: 9
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 Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:32 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| I'm getting married in August and currently we are working on deciding on attire for bridesmaids and groomsmen. Everytime I make a decision on something, she tells me I should have done it another way. Typically, the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, so this is what we asked them to do. Then she told us that that wasn't the way they did it in their oldest son's wedding, and we should do it differently (to make it more "simple"). She also told me the shoes were too expensive and we should get them off ebay. How do I deal with her? Obviously I can't completely tell her off because I'm going to be dealing with her for the rest of my life. And I'm trying to keep in mind that this is her son's wedding too...but do you think she is being unreasonable? |
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docphi
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:39 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| when someone has that answer please tell me!! |
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dMae7128607
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:45 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| Sugar Sugar Sugar. Thank her for her opinion. Tell her as a little girl you have always had these wedding ideas and dreams. And as much as you appreciate her interest and input- you really want to make that dream come true. You can be sweet but firm. If you let her run over you once, you can bet the farm she will do it until the day she dies. And if it continues or gets worse it is time for hubby to be to have a little chat with his mom - or there will always be 3 of you in the marriage. I would be curious to know how he deals with her - I suspect she does this with everything and everyone.Best of luck! |
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dksal
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 18
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:51 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| simple tell her this is your day and that u apperciate her opion but would like to plan this your way. Its very common for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. and ebay its always reliable. but maybe payless or other stores if u are trying to cut expenses. |
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dMae712
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:57 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| Just because someone GIVES an opinion, doesn't mean that you have to follow their suggestions. Your FMIL has lived longer than you have, she's "married off" another child and she's probably been to a hundred weddings.You could save yourself a lot of anguish if you would politely ASK HER about things before you state your decision. Be polite for the sake of your own sanity. Even if you've already decided to have a sour cream 9 layer cake with purple frosting, don't mention it, just say you are going to order your cake and "what do you think?" Then go and do what you and your future hubby want. always say "Oh, that's a thought. Thank you for mentioning that. WE'll keep that under consideration when we make the final decision." She just wants to feel needed and probably wishes she had a daughter so she would have more input. Hey! You could have it much worse - like a mother who refuses to participate, or no parents at all. Count your blessings, keep a calm, cooperative attitude and you'll reap the rewards in future when she's showing off the photos and bragging to friends that both her sons brought her such wonderful girls!! Good luck. |
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dMae7128607
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:03 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| Since a lot of women will do exactly the opposite of whatever it is that you request................maybe you should tell her that you really appreciate her ideas and that the more SUGGESTIONS you have, the better. Tell her that you never realized how many good wedding ideas people had until now and it's really exciting to get to pick and choose from all of that good stuff. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll go quiet after that? |
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docphi
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:09 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| My mother is doing the same thing! I either ignore her or just flat out tell her that this is what I'm doing. I love my mom, but don't care if she doesn't agree. I take all her suggestions into consideration, but if its not what I like, then its not what I like. My soon to be mother in law told us that she should be planning our wedding! Just do what you want and ignore old fashioned ways! LOL |
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dmbbnl23
Joined: 13 Dec 2007
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:15 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| AMEN TO ALL THE ANSWERS... |
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DocPhil
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:22 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| I politely ignored my MIL's suggestions, just didn't really say anything about them. |
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DocPhil
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:28 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| You've said "sons" a lot. Which leads me to believe she has no daughters of her own. And we all know, on some strange deep psychological level... every mother wants to plan their daughters wedding. Since this women has no daughters... Guess what... thats you!! The key to keeping a happy mother in law is make her think you're taking her ideas into consideration, even when you're not. My mom did this with my grandmother (grandma had 3 boys). Everything was "thats nice mother" and Mom just rolled it off her back. Its you and your fiances' wedding. No ones opinion matters, other than the two of you. Most mother-in-laws dont like it, but (as long as you are polite and courtious about it) are usually understanding. Dont tell her off, dont tell her to take her ideas and shove em. Just a "thats nice" or... "wow, i'll keep that in mind"... or "i understand you did that than, but i think we're gonna try it this way" oooh and always do it with a SINCERE smile on your face. |
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dMae712
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:34 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| Let her son deal with her. Truthfully, if he is not man enough to tell mom to back off . . . then he is not man enough to marry.Misery is being married to a mama's boy, so let him prove he is not one. He can tell her to quiet down. Then she cannot get mad at you about it.Married folks often find that letting hubby deal with his family (and any problems that may arise with them) and letting wife deal with her family (and any problems that may arise with them) keeps things more peaceful. Another idea is to give her one aspect of the wedding and let her be totally in charge of that one aspect. Give her something to keep her busy, and maybe she will leave you alone about the other stuff?Good luck. |
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dksal
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 18
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:40 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| I think you have to get your fiance to have a heart to heart with his mother about how inappropriate this is. My husband did this with his mother. He told her that it was our wedding and we would do things our way. He did this at an intentional time not when he was annoyed with her and when I was not around. For such a strong personality, she did a good job.He had to remind her a few times during the engagement and then when she got into town for the wedding. |
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docphi
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:46 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| Yes, she is being unreasonable. You are right to not want to upset her because it could affect your relationship in the long run. Just be firm and let her know you appreciate her advice but you've decided to do it your way. If you have a few reasons for doing it that way let her know what they are so she can see your point of view. This might help ease her mind some. Whatever you do, don't let her walk all over you now... if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. Good luck! |
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dMae7128607
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:52 am Post subject: what do you do with an opinionated future mother-in-law? |
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| 1. Ask you future husband to say he doesn't like it when she gives her opinion to you - that she should tell him.2. Say "thanks for your opinion but I've decided to do it this way.3. Say nothing- really just don't respond - like you didn't hear her.4. Say, Mom I know you are trying to help but I guess we don't have the same view on how wedding arrangements should go. I'm a big believer in setting the ground rules early - Find a way within your style to let her know that you and her son will be making the future decisions - or else she will be telling you where to live, how to clean the house and how to raise your kids. Mothers sometimes can't stop mothering. |
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