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jmada05
Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 32
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 Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 2:44 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| Please read: If you aren't sympathetic, you might at least get a good laugh.We got engaged and I spent months looking at dresses and books for the wedding. My fiance was in boot camp then. He came home (he had too many panic attacks) and got a marriage license just a little while later. He said that he didn't want a big wedding, but I did. Anytime I talked about the dresses I wanted or the cake..whatever, he would say "We can talk about it later" Well, we only had a month until the license ran out. It came down to it, and I said something about how we were going to have to get another license and he said that we weren't paying another $100 for one, so we needed to just do it. I was really upset, but I just said fine. We got married the next morning after church on Father's Day 2005. The night before he called everyone but my family was four hours away and they couldn't come on such short notice. NONE of my family was there. I didn't have a white dress, so he took me to the mall.I couldn't find anything he like liked so I just said forget it, and wore a black and white dress I had. We got ready and his aunt came out with this horrid plastic bouquet that she had used in the 80s and his grandfather, whom I'd only known for a few months, walked me down the isle. His father married us, and that was it. After, we went to his Aunts and they had bought us a cake at Food City. It had "Congratulations" with our names on it, and they spelled my name wrong! I was so embarrassed. Well, we left and I wondered if he had anything special planned for the afternoon since we didn't do anything big for the wedding, and he took me over to his cousins. We sat there and they played Halo. I sat outside crying. After, we went home. I didn't want him to know how upset I was, so I went in the bathroom..I was still crying and he came in and I explained to him that WE JUST GOT MARRIED! and we were sitting at home like nothing happened. He apologized and suggested that we go get a PIZZA!Now, let me tell you..we aren't dirt poor or anything... we have money and could have had a great wedding.. he just didn't want to invest any effort and kept putting it off until I was so discouraged I just didn't want to fight with him about it. I just can't get over it, though. It was supposed to be the best day of my life, the day I had dreamed about since I was little, and it was awful. I didn't have any say about anything, and I was so embarrassed. The worst part is that if we're watching a wedding on tv or go to one, I get upset and he gets mad like I shouldn't care. He says I blow it out of proportion and that it wasn't THAT bad. MY NAME WAS SPELLED WRONG ON MY WEDDING CAKE...SOMEPLACE MY NAME SHOULD NEVER BE IN THE FIRST PLACE and I don't have a wedding video. How do I make him understand that? I want to have a ceremony on our fifth anniversary and write our own vows, but he says no.. why can't he understand how important this is to me? |
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JMo
Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| you should tell him how much this means to you, tell him to show some respect and tell him to care about how you feel about the situation. |
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JMo
Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| That last part actually made me laugh out loud! You're right. Your name shouldn't have been on the cake. Ha ha!You should definitely do the vow renewal. Who cares if he says no. Just start planning it & talk about it all the time. He'll have to come around eventually. Pretend like you never heard him say no & just do it. You deserve to have a proper party with some great photos to look at later. If it was me, I would have a serious sit down talk with him (if you haven't already) and let him know it's something you just can't get passed. Why would he want to hear about it for the rest of his life anyway? If he just does the vow renewal, you'll be happier with it and he won't have to hear about it. |
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JMDP
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 43
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:15 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| Nice! I have always said I hope I find a girl that doesn't what a big fancy wedding but even I thought that your wedding story was pretty bad. Now that you got the actual marriage out of the way you can plan a nice ceremony and go through the motions. He doesn't seem to interested so I suggest you start saving your money for your ceremony. Just talk him into putting on a tux and showing up and you do the rest. Do all the planning and leg work yourself. I hope I don't have to go through the hassle of a huge traditional wedding, I want something small and cheap, but definitely a little more traditional than yours. I want to waste the big buck on a kick azz vacation(aka honeymoon) |
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jmc24
Joined: 27 Dec 2007
Posts: 30
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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man, why'd you marry such a jerk? sorry if that was offensive. lol. i know your pain, and the wedding must be painful to think about. but, well, weddings aren't about having your names spelled correctly on cakes, or wearing the perfect dress. It must be disappointing to not have your family around or wedding video though, but hey, they'll always be around to celebrate other things  but really, you're so-called "husband" is being such an inconsiderate lazy a** in a ceremony that should have been a great thing to treasure. i feel really bad for what happened lol. but anyways, it's only a ceremony, your marriage with him now is what matters. if things don't work out....try talking to him about it more (on a really good timing) or talk it with your close relatives/friends, or maybe get counseling. i know it sounds crazy, but if it leads to happiness then so be it. Praying is the best way to help you though Yesterday my boyfriend pissed me off and it felt completely hopeless and I felt like I was making a mistake...after that I cried, and then prayed a lot. And today, when he talked to me, all the bad things about him was like, erased, and he became the good person I came to know and love. I hope that works out for you, too!But just so you know, you guys could always renew your vows in a couple years, or even have a new, better wedding if you can, one that would really make both you guys happy.Anyways, I'm sure things will be all right. You hang in there, and remember that the love you have with him and the love he has for you is far more important than a wedding |
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JMo
Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:16 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| Hi,big weddings aren't important. They don't matter at all, what matters is the relationship. Except that it DOES matter to you!So...you ask why your husband doesn't understand. I think that is down to you. He doesn't understand how much it means to you because you've never explained it well enough. (That's not a criticism, just a fact)Our wedding wasn't any grander than yours, but we had real love. I made the cake (and how's this for dedication? I spent a whole night pricking and preparing dried fruit, which I then soaked in brandy and rum before making the mixture. It was the moistest and most quickly eaten cake in history)There was no church, no long white dress, just a civil ceremony a number of friends and family and the exchange of our vows.I do understand how much it can mean to a woman (or man) to have the 'big day', though. I'm afraid you need to talk to your husband and make him understand just how much it does mean to you. If he loves you he'll want to please you and a renewal of your vows can be a romantic and special occasion. Don't nag him, just get on with doing it and he (hopefully) will fall in with the idea. The ceremony will not be for your family, who were unable to attend the first time, it will not be for any legal reasons, it will not be for your friends...it will be to cement your love and the relationship you have.I'm lucky...my lovely wife and I can, and do talk easily and we always try to ensure the other is happy and content. If you're not, then the communication routes between you need opening up a little. Sorry, but that's down to you...I do hope you get the big day you missed and that your husband grows to realise you are important, too.Good luck,BobSpain |
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JMDP
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 43
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| idk |
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jmartinsgal
Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 37
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| I wanted a big huge wedding but my husband (due to anxiety) didn't want anything more than a city hall marriage. We compromised on a ceremony with immediate family only on the beach and a reception the next day with around 100 people. The ceremony was what he'd be worried about because everyone is looking at him but at the reception you can just blend in with the guests for the most part. I'm sure you, like me, would be willing to compromise a little bit but if he is adamant on not doing this then you may want to rethink some things. If you bring it up and he tells you it's pointless to do because 'we're already married' then I would tell him that you wanted to be with him because he was a kind and compassionate person but if he really isn't then you need someone who is. If there is no middle ground to be found you don't need to sacrifice everything. If this is how it is for the biggest day of your lives together imagine what it will be for things that may not matter as much. And I agree, a wedding cake should never have your names on it (spelled right or wrong!) If you want a laugh, my husbands mother decorated our car for after the ceremony and tied balloons to it that said "Good Luck"! |
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jmckhobbs
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:47 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| Well i can sympathize with you because actually you did not want a big wedding you wanted a nice wedding.Something your family could have been at,a nice dress,a proper cake and a bouquet with some wedding photos to show .This to me is normal .Yes i agree we men would like to just get it done fast but for a woman its a day which they want it to at least look nice.So yes like many people do a marriage renewal. |
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JMo3560
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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I'm so sorry you were denied a wedding, how awful for you  I would seriously not be with anyone who cared so little about something which meant so much to me. I think if you care about it then he should care about it too! Tell him how much it means to you to have a celebration for your fifth anniversary that you never got to have for your wedding because of his selfishness. Ask him why it is so hard to put himself out for a day to do something that will make you so happy. If he still says no then I would seriously question the future of your relationship! |
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JM8758
Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 23
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:47 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| It shouldn't be about how big your wedding it, but about how much you love the person. Trust me, I know. Me and my husband had a quick court house wedding because he was joining the Army. I didn't have a white dress or anything, and I didn't even get the plastic flowers or cake. It was a quick wedding, a one night honey money, and he was gone at Basic the next day. Neither my, nor his family was there either.I would say to talk to him and plan a vow renewal for your anniversary which you can use to throw the wedding you want with your family there. And this way you won't need another marriage license and you can just go through the motions for you benefit.What you really need to do though is talk to your husband about this. It seems like this is really bothering you and all its going to do is put something in between you that can cause maritial problems in the future.You are already married and you need to work on your relationship and not let these sort of things drag you down. It may not have been the wedding of your dreams, but are you with the man you love? If so then it may be time to find a way to move past the wedding issue. You can't change what happened there, but you can work with your husband to make your future better. Stop looking backwards and start looking forward. One day you should be able to look back on that day and laugh. |
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JMo3560
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:18 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| the planning of a wedding should be made between you two. it is so stupid that he just went off like that not letting you get a say about this wedding. i am sorry that you didn't have the wedding that you wanted. he should of been there and be a more understanding about how you feel about everything. why did you continue to be wed this person? you should of step up and said something. he needs to know how you feel..you have the right to feel upset.. i would too feel upset about it. to me, i think the way he did that to you was not fair.. seems to me that he just wanted to go for it than rather make it memorable. does he love you? if he does, than he would of not do this to you. i just can't believe he made you do that. next time, if you want something that you want, step up and tell him that you disagree what he thinks and say you want to say. don't do the same thing.. be confident. hope this helps. good luck! |
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JM9761
Joined: 31 Jan 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| Because men are taught that the expectations for our marriage ceremonies are silly, girl stuff. They don't understand. If he loves you, whether it's something he's into or not he can stand around in a suit for a few hours and let you have your day. Marriage is about compromise, and it's time he practiced some. |
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jmclaughlin07
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 41
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| Having a big wedding was not important to me at all, and I was perfectly happy having a small wedding, it was what we both wanted. I guess to some people it is not all about the frills and trimmings and the normal traditions, you are just as married as someone who had the full works. he probably doesn't understand as he didn't feel it necessary to do the big white wedding, but if it is so important to you then go ahead and plan a vow renewal, you don't need his help to plan it, there is nothing legally that you need (you don't need a license) so really all he has to do is turn up and say his vows again. |
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jmartinsgal
Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 37
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: Why doesn't my husband understand how important not having a |
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| Wow, three years ago. And don't worry, it isn't a laughing matter. I think it's actually an interesting thing which happened, memories that you'll think about in better light once you are more mature.I agree with your husband, too, about not having 'do-over' weddings, they are simply not appropriate. Maybe at 25 years, or even 10, have a vow renewal (which is not another wedding) ceremony and an anniversary party. |
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